God give me your fire! The more and more I get close to you, the more I realize that you are so ALL KNOWING and you are good! :) I need you to love me and sometimes I sit here and wonder why... It is so hard for me to understand why you do the things that you do, but I need to realize that you are the lead, the dance, and heck, I am not always going to know everything. You run the song smoothly one after the other. You have my life planned out. You are a God that heals. :)
When I realized that I needed to start taking this silly medicine, I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. I sometimes wonder if that is the reason that Richard left, but you know, I have found so much more to hope in! I realize that I am not crazy, you just want my joy to be pure and you want my thoughts to be clear, not all jumbled here and there.
Now as I sit here in the house and see EMU so close, I hunger so much for your word and the ability to spread it. I want to do it in a way that honors you and doesn't seem pushy. I just love you so much and I want to tell the world about what I have learned. I feel it's only fair. I want to come back to Oakland maybe and start a music/theatre ministry to spread the gospel. Maybe even travel. And even through all the past anger with Richard, I feel that you are calling me to have patience and use the opportunities that you have given to make you come first.
From the front porch looking in...that day will come one day. :)
I feel like Elizabeth Elliot. She prayed for guidance and learned that your relationship is the only true one. If we prepare our heart, you will bring us what we need. This is getting easier the more and more I await for you. :) If I ever were to be in a loving relationship again, I know that I want someone to study you with...someone to love, care, and encourage, and to be my best friend next to you. To be wholesome, modest, and willing to fight for you.
Independence is freedom. In my case, that's true. I feel so free here at school, free to worship you without the ongoing stress of impressing old professors and peer pressure. I feel easier with temper, one that doesn't get so stressed. (Although school has it's fair shares...). I have learned the art of guarding my heart and how so important it is. :)
Lord, I am a woman in your army. I want to pick up that helmet, sword, and breastplate (haha, I feel like Legolas or something...) and do your plan! EMU is going to be a great place for me and I am so excited about the ministry you have laid for me. I feel you healing me. Lord. Please continue to mend my porcelain heart.
I'll be seeing you buddy,
Leah :)
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