"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
The more I read this verse, the more everything makes sense. "Plans to PROSPER you and not to HARM you...."
It was normal, mid-week evening, and the increase in heaviness was beginning to become overbearing. I hated the idea of going back to school, filling out scholarship forms, and returning to a place where I felt unsafe and uncomfortable. I had no idea what it was. Shelby had the normal gang of "adopted kids" over and even their company was too much. I needed release, something to break the chains on my heart, and something to sweep away the storm hovering over my heart. The more and more I thought I could fight it off, the more I realized that I needed something bigger than myself. "'Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. I realized, I needed a savior, the one I already knew but the one I needed to put all my trust in. So, off I went to my haven - the garden tub in my mother's bathroom - the only place in the house where all 6 other people living in the house excluding the "adopted kids" couldn't bother me.
The bubbles were enormous, enough for me to engulf myself in warm heaven, and the smell of vanilla candles lit and fragranced the room. The sound of Jars of Clay played across the room, giving the atmosphere a unique sense of...me. I stepped into the steamy water and slipped into Comatose, "I want to feel you next to me." The more I tried to talk myself out of feeling discouraged, the more discouraged I felt. I was denying his help. BAM, then it hit me.
"I hate feeling like this, I'm so tired of trying to fight this, I'm asleep and all I dream of, Is waking to you,Tell me that you will listen, Your touch is what I'm missing, And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you..." "Leah, WAKE UP and stop thinking that YOU can fix everything yourself. It's not probable without me. LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING." I had heard that before. I am sure JoAnne or Kent brought that up a few times up at the podium. Where was that from? Somewhere in the old testament, I'm sure. The more I kept hearing this verse in my head, the more I wanted to remember the rest of the verse. "Lean over to the side of the tub and write down what I am telling you..." I didn't take that twice and leaned over, dripping on the floor nearby and disregarding my drippage, grabbed the post-it notes. What he said was short, but I wrote it down anyway. "Talk to your mother." Well, that was simple, wasn't it? Not quite. After this, I had this overWHELMING want to read his word. I grabbed my bible and right there in the bathtub opened up to Proverbs. "Trust in the Lord and not lean on your own understanding," Proverbs 3:5 was telling me! OF COURSE, how could I be so blind? I turned back to the beginning of the book and started fresh.
Solomon was telling me about wisdom, how true wisdom comes from the Lord. The Lord wanted me to TRUST ONLY in him and not on the world and what they had to offer. All through the first chapter of Proverbs, I was being told that he would teach me and give me "a chain of honor around my neck" and not weight of the world, that the sinful world will try to entice me and I should "turn my back on them." He told me that if I continued to let others rob me of my earthly and spiritual gifts then, his will would not be fulfilled for my life. So, at that moment of finishing the first proverb, I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around myself, ran to a fully crowded dining room and screamed for my mother.
The looks I got from everyone in the house were priceless. They were looks of bewilderment, surprise, concern, and humor. I mean, as Veggie Tales says...."He was surprised at the sight to see Larry in a towel..." :). Mom came a running, like mom always does, and I said..."I HAVE to talk to you, NOW." We continued back into her bedroom, I clothed myself (in the bathroom of course), and I began to spill my heart. I reminded her of high school and my dream of music ministry at either OVU or EMU-a place to where I could build my faith, I reminded her of my hard year at Shepherd and I how I hated going to school there,I reminded her of my fear of debt and EVERYTHING revolved around it, I told her about my bathroom experience, and I told her of my encounter with God. With amazement, she just sat back and nodded. Have I ever told you about how much I look up to my mother? She has always cared for me, respected me, took up for me, and supported me. I knew she would understand and we continued to talk. The more I talked and the more I whipped verses out of my bible to tell her, the more everything became clear. I was falling deeply in love with Christ and I wanted to do HIS will, no matter what. Although I had just told her, I sat there for a minute and processed everything.
This past semester at Shepherd was pure hell for me. Seriously. I had changed my major for the sixth time, I had put up with persecution and grade altering because of my faith, and I hated the pressure of always getting the HIGHEST grade possible. I could remember a friend of mine asking me, "Leah, why are you here in education? I mean, I know you would be a good teacher, but I also know you, and you love music and jesus, why not do your dream from before? Why are you here?" She was the same friend who I spent time in my car talking about God's love and the same friend who would have to calm me down over a B on reflections. The more I think about her now, the more I realize she is right, Shepherd isn't for me and it never was. I always wanted a small Christian school and I always wanted a place where music and God went together. I was tired of having one foot in the church and one foot in the world, where I felt that no matter how hard I tried to reach out to people, the more I got slapped in the face. I needed to stop being lukewarm and put all trust in him.
On the same note, I had to look at my past way before high school and college. Ever since I was little, I hated the idea of debt. I was always so scared of paying someone back. Just the other day, my sister Shelby said, "Leah do you remember when we were little and Dad would go to the gas station? Do you remember how he would always ask if we wanted anything and you ALWAYS said no?" I was always scared of not having money and I was always scared of not being able to support myself later. The more this fear consumed me, the more I realized I was falling away from God's plan. Just a few Sundays ago, Ben did a sermon on tithe, and the more I thought about how revelant it was to my life, the more I started to read up more about tithing. God wants us to trust him with ALL our money, not just in tithing, but also in doing his will. If we do so, later on down the road, we will gain more than we gave, not just money wise but spiritually wise. I wanted to give everything to God and to do so I had to learn to trust.
All the things running through my mind felt unaltered, god sent, and carefree. I was not worried about mistakes because I knew that they were laid out for me from God. I felt like Harry Potter actually. The more and more Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall, Lily and James, and everyone laid it out for him, the more it became steady for Harry to complete his tasks. Now, they definitely weren't easy and the road was hard, but the help from others made his tasks...manageable. I felt God pulling on my heart to listen to him and do his will, no worry about everything else but put all strength in him. The devil was trying to keep me at Shepherd and he was trying to keep me away from my dream.
Mom sat there for almost an hour and a half listening to me rant on about my bible lesson and discovers. Silence swept the room and she continued to listen to me talk about God's plan. I wanted EMU so bad I could taste it, I wanted the environment of Jesus, I wanted the education of music ministry, and I wanted the college atmosphere that I always wanted. It wasn't because of "a stab in the dark" it all felt right and God sent. I felt this was my calling. Ever since I started helping with worship team, I felt at peace and joyful. I was who I wanted to be. In love with my savior, studying music, and pursuing the life that God had laid out for me. Finally, mom spoke up.
"I completely support you a hundred percent. If this is what God is calling you to do, then do it, because only he can give you joy." Those words felt like chocolate to my hears. :) "If you want to get in this semester, you better get your ball on the roll. But I seriously support you." Ever since then, mom has been with me through the whole process. She helped me figure out everything. I e-mailed admissions, talked to JoAnne and Mr. Russell for references, and got the ball....rolling.
The admissions staff was really sweet. I worked with a lady named Lisa who waived all my transfer fees and sent me all the paperwork. I had everything, transcripts, applications, student recommedations, and forms filled out and sent in less than two days. I began talking to people at church about my decision and everyone became excited for me. I felt so at peace and joyful, that I knew it was right. That God was my strong hold and he truly loved me. All the paperwork was filed a week ago and....
"You have been accepted to Eastern Mennonite University and you have recieved a yearly scholarship of 3,500." I screamed so loud, I think the earth raddled. I was official a EMU student studying Music with a concentration in Interdisciplinary Studies. Music Ministry, here I come. Debt was no longer a fear, my life was finally panning out, and I felt...at peace. "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." - Phil 4:19 "Be Still and Know that I am God." These verses were becoming reality and I felt...."Lord will fight for you; you have only to be still." Exodus 14:14.
So, why am I writing all this? I want your support too. Yes, McCormmick is a lot of money but...God is bigger than any earthly treasure. He will support me and help me do his will. I have completely sacrificed myself for him. I would love to know that I have your support as well. If you really want to help, I would love any donation and the more to help school the better. You don't have to, of course!, but if you feel lead to, I will not turn it away. This is the plan God has for me...he has called me to "prosper and not to harm me," I completely and udderly trust his understanding...will you trust me? I would love to hear from you throughout the year and I would love letters. (Who doesn't like mail?) :) Thank you guys for always being there for me and I can't wait to tell you about the next step God has for me. I love you.
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